Night Shift When the Lights Go Out morgan young 2.12.06
description of this series:
Life doesn't always go the way we plan. Sometimes we find ourselves facing circumstances beyond our control. And as a result, we are forced to live in the dark of the night. But even in the darkness of night, we are never alone; God does some of his best work on the Night Shift.
message text:
I'd like to share a story with you of THE Night Shift story of my life.
Let me frame this for you: This is 10 years ago. I'd been attending Oakbrook with Sandra for about three years. Up to that time Oakbrook was the only church I'd ever attended with any regularity. This is before I'm on staff here, before I became a ministerI am just starting to really grow and get a spiritual foundation in my life for the first time.
Got the picture? 10 years ago, somewhat new Christ follower...
So it's March 1996 and my Great Aunt Cornelia Slater who lived in Cincinnati passed away. Pretty much my whole family lives in West Virginia, so I end up driving to West Virginia to meet up with them and then drive to Cincinnati from there.
It just "happens" to turn out that my older sister ends up riding with me in our van and my mom and other family members are in another car.
Have you ever had one of those conversations with someone where you realized in the middle of it that you're not on the same wavelength? You think they're talking about one thing and they're talking about some completely other thing?
Well that's what happened to me and my sister. To this day I have absolutely NO IDEA what we were actually talking about. All I can remember is that we were sharing stories from when we were kids, when she responds by saying
She says, "So you know that Dad isn't really your Dad?"
I get an expression like some of you have right now, but X 10.
(steering) "What the...WHAT?!" etc.
And now she's like white as a ghost---she's realized that we were not talking about the same thing whatsoever--- it's like my sister was living out a real life really twisted version of the commercial that has the tag line, "Wanna get away for a while?"
So here we are on I 70 and she's thinking, "Oh my gosh---he had no idea and I just told him on the way to our Aunt's funeral."
So let me just be clear. I come from a family of five kids, I'm the middle one and my parents were togethernever divorced. But I am the result of an affair.
Needless to say, what came next was the most colorful Q & A sessions I've ever had in a van on a highway.
It turned out this was one of those family secrets. Ironically I was the family secret. I learned that my sister, three brothers and my mom knew and all had talked about at different times over the years. No one told me. No one knew if my dad was in the loop---I think they were afraid to ask.
Another amazing & odd fact came to light in the van. It turns out that I knew my biological father. Up until I was about 8 or 9 years old he was a friend of the family and a great friend of mine. And as I thought about him and mehow we hung out together, things made more sense:
From my earliest memories he and I were buddies. He had a '66 red Corvette that he and I ran around in all the time.
My dad wasn't into sports--not a jock at all, but my biological father was and he took my to Dick Sanburn's and bought me my first MacGregor baseball glove. Bought me first leather football at Sears. And on my 8th birthday bought me first grown up sized Ludwig snare drum.
Looking back we shared certain physical characteristics. It was all making more sense. I could understand how my brothers and sister put things together.
Somewhere around 8 or 9 he stopped coming around. And I asked my mom for years why he didn't come over any moreshe never gave me an answer. Now, that made sense too.
Well, back to the van. My initial reaction was just pure shock. Then, it kind of morphed into a strange kind of novelty, "Wow, this is kind of interesting---this explains a lot---wow, maybe THIS is why I am so different from others in the family---this is kind of interesting."
But the "interesting" emotion didn't last too many miles. The more I thought and talked about it with my sister, the more the emotion of anger seeped in.
Anger seeped in and slowing kept building like some kind of killer wave:
I was lied to.
I was deceived by the people closest to me.
I was hurt.
I felt alienated"apart" from the family.
I felt somehow degraded and dirty.
I felt like a weird outcast.
And all these emotions began swirling around in me to the point I just felt "ticked off" to the ultimate degree.
And about the time all this emotion is reaching a crescendo in me, we pull up to the church for my aunt's funeral in Cincinnati.
I see my mom and my aunt Ann (who also knew---apparently everyone knew).
My mom is in a pile because my Great Aunt was like a mother to hershe crying and wants a hug. My relatives are all there.
And here I am with what feels like an emotional tsunami inside--- trying to stuff it and somehow paint on a fake smile or empathy for all of these people who'd come to grieve and celebrate a great life. And I just wanted to be anywhere but there.
I can remember so wanting to blast my mom and let her have it for keeping this secret from me. But in high irony I had to give her a hug as she was crying at the loss of her aunt. She was a mess on the outside and I was a mess on the inside.
The next 6 to 8 weeks of my life felt very "dark" to me. Never before or since have I been in such a bizarre emotional funk. It was such a strange feeling that it was hard to understand and even now difficult to explain. It was like my emotional foundation had been hit by a 9.0 earthquake.
I can remember how strange it was to look in the mirror in the mornings. I had always unconsciously seen my brown eyes and assumed they were my Dad's brown eyesturns out they're not.
I felt like when people looked at me they just instinctively knew my story.
In some ways I just felt unclean--dirty. Like everyone else was normal, and I was weird. I'd always like being a non-conformist, but I didn't like this at all.
Emotionally I felt kind of numb and stunned. It was like the anger from the funeral morphed into intense questioning and emotional shock period.
The questions that seemed ever-present in my mind were:
Who am? I mean, really, who am? What does all this mean? How do I make sense out of all this.? My best friend from high school, Ray, used to say, "Under all this feces there has to be a pony!" I was like, "Show me the pony--cause it just feels like the other part right now."
I have to say that my wife Sandra was awesome during this time (like she always is). She was there, loving me, praying for me, affirming me, believing in me and pulling for me.
During this time I wanted to pull away from people, to retreat, because I didn't like how I felt. But I didn't retreat. Something inside (probably based on talks I'd heard Mark give) said, "Be real. Trust people. Talk with people."
And so with my good friends, most of them here in the church, I talked about it. I stayed involved in the church. I didn't put on a fake "I'm a Christian, so everything's fine" face. I just stayed connected and tried to be real.
After a while I really wanted to get proactive, intensely seek God and somehow solve this weird deal in me. But as it happened we were in the middle of buying our first house and that whole deal became all-consuming, getting ready to move and all the fun stuff that goes along with it.
About the time the dust and the fresh paint settled in the new house and it looked like things were going to be normal, I get a phone call in the early morning from West Virginia (I never get early morning calls from W.V.). My youngest brother called to tell me that our Dad had passed away in the night. (To some degree this was not a total shock since he'd been fighting a life-threatening disease for a long time.)
So now, emotionally I'm like, "What the? How do I feel about this? Do I even know what to feel about this? Am I capable of feeling about this?"
So there I am on I 70 again, with a van loaded up with weird emotions. And I'm about halfway through Ohio and this thought comes into my head, "You could do the eulogy."
I am fairly certain that I actually laughed out loud at the thought. "Oh yeah, after the last 8 weeks I've had, I'm going to do the eulogythat's funny---quite hilarious!"
Well that stupid thought will not get out of my head. It's like some pesky gnat that you can't kill and can't shoo away. And it's about this time that I'm thinking this is either indigestion from a bad quarter-pounder from just outside of Columbus, or God has a really twisted sense of irony.
So just to kind of test things and see if my next stop would be for Pepto Bismal or to get down on my knees to beg God to graciously reconsider, I decide to actually pursue God. I pop in some worship music and just try to go after God the best way I could in a van going 70 mph. I just kind of said, "God, whatever you want me to do, I'm open to itnot thrilled, but I'm open."
As I turned south off I 70 towards Parkersburg parts of a eulogy started coming into my head---ideas---sentences---concepts--pictures---It became clear that God was calling me, funk and all, to be obedient to Him in this. And as I got closer to my mom's house, my apprehension faded and a belief that God was in this, starting bringing confidence.
Are you getting this? My mom and siblings all knew I was pretty jacked up about my fatherhood issues. And again, this was 10 years ago. At that time I'm not really someone who gets up in front of people at church and talks. I'm the guy at church in the acrylic cube playing drums. And the first thing out of my mouth when I see my mom and sister is, "I want to do the service." (They're like, "Oh, no, you don't have to---we have a preacher, etc" but I refuse to take no for an answer & they relent.)
The next day I carved out some alone time on my mom's front porch on that old metal chair with pen and paper. First I just prayed and said, "God this is your pen, your paper, your idea!, whatever you want to happen, show me."
After that I just kind of sat there in a blank stareit was like I was in a screening room watching old home movies---scenes of my dad, the family, and me. In those flashback scenes I saw what my Dad meant to all of us---and to me.
I saw the unselfish parent who'd do anything for his kids.
I saw the skilled craftsman who could figure out how to build anything he set his mind to.
I saw the consummate "jazz cat" whose heart beat to play or listen to hip jazz.
All in the context of my sister, brothers and me.
And then my pen took off with images of my dad and me and my siblings rolling in my head. The pages seemed to fill themselves.
In that old metal chair on my mom's front porch, God did some amazing things. Through watching mental home movies God told me miraculously healing things:
"Your Dad is your Dad no matter what. Your life is stained with his fingerprints. Parts of him are parts of you, your blood type doesn't make a hill of beans difference. You are your father's son."
"Your biological fatherthe man who first played sports with you, gave you an experience your father never could. In many ways you have drawn your strong sense of what it is to be a man from him."
"And He said, "I know it's a whacky way to come into the world, but if you come into the world any other way, you're not who you are today. You wouldn't be the same man that your wife loves so much. And your kidsthese gems you love so much wouldn't be who they are either. If this plan gets you to where you are today, it's not such a bad plan. Is it?"
And maybe the biggest nugget God gave me was that God is the only perfect Father. My dad had his deals. My biological father had his. But God the Father, in his "outside the box" way, got me through the toughest darkest Night Shift experience I've had in a way that healed me, served my family, and brought and continues to bring honor to God. (amen & amen!)
I want to spend our remaining time relating some biblical truths that would apply to all of us that I learned along the way.
The first one is,
Bad stuff happens.
(Pick up Bible) There are 1,189 chapters in the Bible. The first TWO chapters are bliss; they're peaceful; polite. Then in chapter 3 sin enters the world and through the rest of this, things are continually hitting the fan.
This is not a collection of fuzzy bunny stories. This is true stories, one after the other, that are battles of Good versus evil and through it all, God is on our side trying to capture our hearts.
The place where nothing bad happens is called heaven. The place where sin is working against God's plans is called earth. There's no "Night Shift" in heaven, but on earth life gets messy.
God never promises to keep things from happening to us---He does promise to be WITH US and get us through it, no matter what. (repeat)
"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it." Hebrews 4:16 nlt
There is Night Shift sustaining truth in this verse:
Mercy is the promise that God will never allow the pressures or heartbreaks of life to be more than we can stand.
And grace (in this context) is the strength to live through it; it's the ability to carry on.
Hebrews 4:16 says, (paraphrase) "No matter what, God promises that the pressure won't be more than we can bearand He promises that IN HIM we have the ability and strength to get through it."
But we say, "WHY did God let this happen?"
(strong) But God says, "It doesn't matter WHAT happens; because I promise to be with you in it and my mercy and my grace will ensure that you get through itI am the most powerful entity in the universe and I am IN you and fighting for you!"
Sometimes, in a Night Shift experience God does answer the "why" question. In my particular story, God brought some great perspective to me on my mom's porch. But I want to caution us from asking, "Why?"
There is not always a good reason why.
People who have experienced tragedy understand this better than any of us. In a tragedy, God is still God--that means in a Romans 8:28 way, He's going to bring hope, healing, peace, fight for us and all the great things He does. That doesn't mean there was a good reason why a tragedy happened. It just means that God is going to keep being God no matter what.
So the next time we see tragedy in someone's life, let us not say things like, "I'm sure there's a good reason why this happened." Instead, let's remind them of God's promises to be all they need and to get them through it.
The second truth in a Night Shift moment is:
Don't stray from God, the church or His people.
In my deal, I remember wanting to withdraw from people. I didn't want to feel needy or weird, or be the "one with the problem." We tend to get this flawed way of thinking that says, "I need to retreat, fix myself, and then slip back into the mainstream."
It's like we're driven by this prideful image-management junk, that doesn't want to let people see us like this.
I specifically used the word "stray" in this point. Do you notice how the Bible refers to Jesus as "the Good Shepherd" and we are referred to as "the flock?"
If an animal strays--gets away from the flock or the herd, is that ever a good thing for the animal?
Do we watch the Discovery Channel and see the story of the sheep who strays off on his own, works-out in the woods for month by himself, then comes back all buff and toned, wool coat's looking great?
No actually the opposite: The next scene is usually a lion having lamb-chops for dinner.
Everything about being a Christ follower is in the context of a flockor in other words, in the context of real honest relationships.
When I was in a funk over my deal, it was good to be around Christ-filled people and be honest with them (humility is a good thing). I wasn't putting on some cheesy fake "happy Christian" face, but being honest with them about how I was doing and what I was feeling. That was very good for me.
I've been hanging around here for 13 years now, and I've seen people handle tragedy and challenges two ways. They stray or stay with the flock.
Everyone who stayed, who was real with fellow Christ followers, even sought Christian counseling etc, made it through in a healthy way, and took considerably less bumps and bruises. Here's the big thing: God showed up for them in HUGE ways.
"If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble. A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." Ecclesiastes 4:10, 12 nlt
Don't stray from God, the church or his people.
My last truth is:
"God only knows" how this will turn out!
There's an intentional double meaning in that. When we don't know how something's going to get done, we say, "Sheesh--God only knows how that's gonna happen!?" (I don't know)
And it feels honest for me to say to you, "God only knows" how He is going to show up in your Night Shift moment.
Who am I or anyone else to pigeon hole God or short-change his creativity by guessing how He will move in your life.
For some people God has shown up in huge ways in Christian counseling.
For a friend recently, God showed up in a retreat.
For me, God showed up in a van and on a porch and at a funeral.
You and I don't know HOW these things are going to turn out, but GOD DOES KNOW(repeat). When we stay instead of stray, it's a better bet that we'll hear what God wants us to dohow He wants us to respond.
"We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9 The Message
God only knew how He would use an affair, a van, a porch, and a funeral to meet me and lead me to a healthy healing place.
I have no idea how He plans to meet you. But I do know based on Who He is and what He promises that He indeed will meet you and lead you out, in His timing in His way, and you will know Him better on the other side of it.
(Lead us into a time of worship by reading Psalm 61:1-5---then sing How Great is Our God / My Glorious medley)
