last10

The Last 10% 9.24.00

Honesty. The truth. We all think we should tell it. We all expect people to tell it to us. We hate it when our kids don't tell it. We believe that used car salesmen don't know what it is. We're sure attorneys get paid to bend it or flat-out break it. Presidential candidates naively think that we believe they'll legislate based on it. All good people tell it. Only bad people don't. Isn't that the truth?

When we were kids we had foolproof ways of making sure Johnny or Katie were telling the truth:

"Cross your heart and hope to die, stick a needle in your eye?"

My favorite: (spit in hand and offer it)

Then one day we found out that Johnny had this (crossed fingers) going on behind his back. THE perfect out for all childhood truth avoiders. Oh! When we found out the crossed fingers loophole, we'd swear on our mother's life, on our new Schwinn 5 speed, or our brand new GI Joe with life-like hair and kung fu grip!

But we're grown up now. And all of us are committed to telling the truth (accept for the attorneys, used car salesmen & politicians J. ) But how much of the truth do we want to hear? And how much of the truth are we willing to give?

How truthful we are is a public statement of our character. The Greek philosopher, Heraclitis, said that "Our character is our destiny." And UCLA coach John Wooden said, "Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are."

So today, we're talking about giving and receiving the last 10%, a component that God will use to stretch our character, as we help take each other to the next level of growth.

A few years back I had one of my first brushes with the last 10% at OakBrook. Several of us went to a seminar at Willow Creek church outside Chicago. After a long day we were sitting in a corner table at Friday's and my friend Jeremy, looked at me and said, these words which, to this day, are infamous amongst the staff. He said, "Can I take our relationship to the next level?"

After I laughed at what sounded so strange, and then I said, "Yeah, sure." And he proceeded to tell me how when I made certain comments in evaluation meetings, that it made him feel defensive and attacked, how it affected him personally. And what happened after that was a discussion that helped me better understand him; him better understand me, and what ultimately did happen was we did grow a little closer. Our relationship did start to go to the next level.

And that little simple story, in a nutshell, is what the last 10% looks like. Jeremy could have stayed in the comfort zone, sat on those feelings, and told himself he just needed to get over it, or told himself he should just stay away from me. But that seemingly little conversation was the pivotal point at which our relationship was to get closer or further apart. In the years after that conversation, Jeremy & I went light years deeper. And in many ways helped me find my way as a Christ follower.

Let's look at today's scripture: "Instead, speaking truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ."

MSY paraphrase goes like this: "Speak the truth in love, helping each other to be the people God wants us to be."

But before we talk about speaking the truth in love, or giving the last 10%, I believe there is something we all must have if we want to grow in our relationships. There's a key ingredient that must exist before we give the last 10 or it won't matter what we say.

And that is a teachable spirit. (repeat) In other words, in conversations, are we quick to be defensive, or argumentative? Or are we quick to listen and look to see if what someone is telling us is true? Are we quick to hold our ground, or are we eager to understand what someone is trying to tell us? Are the first words our of our mouth, "Yeah, BUT! Or, "tell me more..."?

I don't believe that any of us has the right to give the last 10% who isn't ready and willing to hear the last 10% about ourselves. In other words, are we willing to play the part of "Sue" in the drama? Are we willing to hear the uncomfortable truth about us?

The opposite of a teachable spirit is pride. In the wisdom-packed book of proverbs it tells us there are 7 things that God HATES. And the top o' the list is "Eyes that are arrogant." God hates arrogance; it's the opposite of teachable.

And one of the underlying themes of the book of proverbs is that God wants us to have a teachable spirit. Proverbs 11:14 says, "Without good direction, people lose their way; the more wise counsel you follow, the better your chances."

12:15 says "Fools are headstrong and do what they like; wise people take advice." And, "The good acquire a taste for helpful conversation"

So from the start, more important than the last 10% is the condition of our spirit. As we grow in becoming fully devoted followers of Christ, let's ask ourselves how do we normally respond to difficult conversations? With "Yeah, but!" Do we put up a wall? Or do we say, "Tell me more." and open a door? I know there are times when I need to work on my teachable spirit. How 'bout you? (pause)

Alright, let's look at the first part of today's verse: "Speak the truth in love" One of my favorite author / speakers today is a guy named John Maxwell. In a great book called the "21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership" he says, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." (repeat) This is the love part. We can't go off shelling out last 10s without first having shown real concern and shared real emotions.

Here's a freebie today guaranteed to change all of your relationships . Take this Maxwell quote home and put it on the fridge. It's perfect for every occasion and relationship. Guess, what?

Our kids don't care how much we know if they don't know how much we care about them.

Our spouse, doesn't give a rip about much we know if they don't know how much we love them.

Your co-workers, your cousin, your neighbor, the people who work for you. Nobody cares how much we know until they know how much we care about them.

Alright, so if you're not at a point where you're sharing feelings with someone, you can't play the whole enchilada truth game with them! Why? Well imagine someone that as far as you know, could care less about you. I don't mean they hate you, but it could be a co-worker or a neighbor that's just a surfacy never ever gone past "hello" kind of deal.

Now imagine one day out of the blue, they motion you over to the backyard fence and say something like, "I'd like to talk to you about the way you're raising your kids." Now what is your initial reaction? Is it, "Really?Tell me more" Or is, "Excuse me?! Beg your pardon?!"

God knows how this stuff plays out, so right on the front of this verse, He says, "Speak the truth in love." He knows the only words that will penetrate our hearts when it comes to how we raise our kids, or any other sensitive issue, needs to come from someone we KNOW cares deeply about us. And even then, it still may be a little hard to swallow.

(pause) People don't care how much we know, 'til they know how much we care.

And here's the ugly side of telling the truth without love; It just gets brutal. The truth without love becomes a relational hand grenade.(repeat)

For instance, if we know what the Bible says about how to live our lives and we see someone going against it, that's not license to kill. And that's exactly what truth without love does. Biblical knowledge or knowing God's will doesn't make us "double o" agents of His majesties secret service.

1 Corinthians 13:2 says, "If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all His mysteries and making everything plain as daybut I don't love, I'm nothing." And just to be clear, if we're a Christ follower, any last 10% conversation we're having must be done in such a way to reflect God's nature. The measure of God's nature is the Fruit of the Spirit is:

"love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."

If we can't characterize a conversation we're having with one or more of these words, we need to just "back away from the conversation." Because that means we're forcing a "me" centered conversation, not a "God-honoring" conversation.

Alright, let's take inventory: First, make sure you've packed your teachable spirit. Second, make sure you're motive is pure. Don't go in with a chip on shoulder, but rather with the fruits of the spirit.

Now let's change gears here. Why do you think we don't have more last 10% conversations?

Why don't you tell your dad how you really feel? Or your mom?

Why do you stay in the "safe conversation zone" with your spouse?

Why don't you tell your boss how you feel about how they treat you?

Why don't you go after your teenage son or daughter to really come clean with you?

Why do you avoid talking to that family member that you're holding the family feud with for over a decade, now?

Or like in the drama, why don't you tell your needy friend how you really feel about circles you've seen them run in for the last 3 years?

Why don't you bring up the God-stuff with your brother or sister who really needs to hear it?

In all these situations, with: friends, husbands, wives, parents, brothers, sisters, co-workers, there's an imaginary line that ropes off the dangerous conversation zone. We all know just how close we can get to it, without starting trouble.

But why don't we? What holds us back?

I believe it's because it going to cost us something. There's a very real risk involved. Both of you are doing "fine" (or not) in your still pool of life. And you're thinking about doing a cannonball off the high dive.

It's going to cost you time. It's going to cost you emotional energy. You are going push the limits of your relationship a little; or maybe a lot depending on the what it is. The cost could simply be that you're going to have to share deep emotions and frankly, you're not comfortable with that.

But do you know what the flipside is? You and the other person could stay just the same; the rest of your life, no closer, no more significant. Just "fine", in the most polite and unreal kind of way. Or, it could get worse. Maybe a friend or family member of yours is struggling with something. The cycles of destructive behavior, unhealthy lifestyle, surrounded by negative influences. Things could get much worse.

I have a friend that has struggled in his marriage from day one. Neither one of them wants to do anything to change their situation. And every year it spirals down a little lower. I've gone after him. I've left him alone. I've gone after him some more. Recently he was telling me the "divorce" word has come up and he was understandably upset and worried . I finally said to him. "Look, this is where this thing is headed. If you keep doing the same thing, which is nothing, then judging by your history, a divorce is a matter of time. If you guys go to counseling, MAYBE, just maybe, you'll alter your course. If it works, fabulous. If it doesn't; guess what? You're just right back where you are now?"

That made a lot of sense to my friend. But before our talk, he wasn't seeing how he had practically nothing to lose and everything to gain. Isn't that true of us? I don't know why we tend to see things so negatively, expecting that somehow it's going to be worse than it is now; and I know I do it sometimes. But if I get a little more objective, like with my friend, it seems there is so much to gain, and so little to lose. There is so much at stake. There is so much that "could be."

God is all about what we could be. From the very beginning with Him, he looks at us and says, "Just as you are, I want you to come to me. Don't clean yourself up, don't worry about how you are today. Because I know what you could be and will be." And later, no matter where we are in our walk with Him, there's a next step we can take. There's another rough edge we need Him to sand off. Another character quality we need to grow in. A teachable spirit or words and actions that hold more love.

Following God is all about growth; about what we could be. If we're fully devoted, there will always be more that we could be. We never retire from following Christ. We're always growing.

Let's look at the rest of today's verse:

"Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is Christ." And let's peek at the following verse:

"From Him the whole body (we are the body) joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love"

So God's purpose for the last 10% is to help each other grow and as we grow, the body, that is His church, grows. In this verse, God is telling us that we need each other's help, encouragement, direction, and empathy. God is telling us growth isn't just an individual event but it's also a team sport. Without coaches, trainers and relay partners we won't reach our potential. God will work through our last 10% conversations to become more like Him.

We need last 10% conversations in accountable relationships.

Proverbs 27:17 tells us "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." It's no secret that becoming more like Christ is not an easy process. It's not easy because of our nature; we're human. And human nature naturally drifts south. Like Mark said last week, I need people around me that ask me how I'm "really" doing. I need people who will ask me how close I feel to God these days. I need people who aren't afraid to ask me if my motives were OK when I was talking to "so-n-so." After a day packed with 4-too many things, I need my wife to check me when I'm a little too abrupt with our kids. I'm trying to pursue Christ-likeness, but He and I know I have light years to go. And people who aren't afraid to give me the whole enchilada truth, will help get me there, a little bit at a time.

A few weeks ago, a close friend initiated a conversation with me about my weight. (That sounds fun.) Was that something I needed to hear? Yes. Did I want to hear it? I could think of a dozen other things I'd rather talk about. Did it test my teachable spirit? Yes. But I still said, "Tell me more." And we had a very constructive conversation about it.

But you know what? I'm going to give you the last 10% here. Deep down I'm glad he brought it up. Not that I ever doubted it, but he showed me he cared enough about me to ask me a tough question that might be uncomfortable. Because over the years he had showed me how much he cares and because he did it out of a spirit of concern and friendship, I was willing to go there with him. And another thing. It was freeing. I don't know if you're like this, but with me, if there are sensitive issues on my mind, or things I know I should do, but don't; I tend to feel like people around me KNOW and it's a matter of time before they say something to me. So, for him to bring up this subject allowed me to relax, to get it out and talk about it, to share my feelings. It was a good, slightly uncomfortable thing. (pause & change tone)

People who've been around me long enough, know my last 10% nature. That my reputation is that in certain circles you don't have to guess about where I stand. I've lead our small group for about a year and a half now. And a couple weeks back, we were having a meeting and at one point I said in a serious tone, "I need to tell you something." When I said it I could see a couple of the guys start to lean back a little and one of them said something sarcastic like, "Ooo, hold on." And I immediately realized they thought I was about to give somebody, or the group, the last 10%. But I was getting ready to share something personal and vulnerable about me. (Then they relaxed and probably said something else sarcastic.)

But right then, I got a little lesson. I realized that I probably need to offer the last 10% about me more often. Too often when we think about difficult conversations, we automatically think it's something we need to tell someone else about their deal. But friends, I need, we need to give the last 10% to those around us about us. How we're really feeling. What we're struggling with. How much we appreciate our friends and our family. Usually when I give a message I try to find something personal to share and sometimes it's a little vulnerable. But reality is, it's not that hard to do from up here. You usually aren't going to talk back or ask me to go deeper. But as soon I step down those stairs, real last 10% sharing about soul level stuff in my life is hard. It doesn't come naturally. My nature is safe, not scary. And a lot of you feel the same way. It's easy to talk about someone else's sensitive issues. It's another thing to initiate our own stuff. But we need to. Why? Do we want "beer commercial" relationships, or do we really want to be understood? You know what a beer commercial relationship is? It's jokes and lighthearted conversation and the occasional quick and safe, "I love you man." Do you know what? The roughest toughest guy in here wants more than that. You might not know how to get it, but deep down we all want people to understand why we feel what we feel. And one more thing. The last 10% about us means admitting when we know we were wrong. When we admit we're wrong, we gain credibility and build into those people we care about. Big enchilada honesty grows our relationships. Let's work on giving people the last 10% about us.

Can we talk about our marriages? If there ever was a place where the last 10% needs to hang out, this is it. Like I said earlier, there's an imaginary line that ropes off the dangerous conversation zone. We all know just how close we can get to it, without starting trouble. And this is where too many of us, live in our marriage. One of the most dangerous things that can happen in a marriage is "just keeping the peace." Not saying how we really feel. Not really talking about the real issues of intimacy or emotions. We think it's better to keep the peace than risk mixing things up. It may cost us something.

The words in the song after the drama today go like this: "Sometimes people push their feelings inside when things get under their skin. Little splinters may not show. Neglect them and they seem to grow, right back into the heart. They can push you apart." Those words describe exactly what happens when we try to keep the peace in our marriages. The little things; the little hurts, the little disappointments, the little unmet needs, when they continually get swept under the rug, become big hurts, big disappointments, big unmet needs. And one day we wake up and have a big unhealthy marriage and we start thinking about big attorney fees that we think will solve years worth of poor communicating. Our attempt to keep the peace has somehow not led to peace at all, but quite the opposite.

I have no statistics, only my observations and personal experiences, but in a town with one of the highest divorce rates, I have to believe this dynamic, of not going for the last 10% in your marriage is a factor. Right now I'm sure there are people sitting here starting to feel uncomfortable. We all know this happens in our marriages. I know there have been nights when I looked at the clock and thought, "It's too late to open this can of worms."

I've done just enough marriage counseling to know that a lot of us don't know how to start a last 10% conversation with our spouse without getting into a full blown argument.

Here are some guidelines that will work in marriages or any setting where you feel like you need to get to the last 10%.

Before you are tempted to dump the truth on someone you care about, think about these things:

- You don't have to blurt out EVERY truth. We're all imperfect. Try to be understanding and grace-filled. You're not a picnic 100% of the time either!

- Am I under control? Remember, it's the truth in love. Honesty is not a license to kill. They need to sense our concern or compassion, not our temper.

- What's my motive? Do I want to build someone up or grow our relationship? Or am I looking to get even?

- Is this the right time and place? The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing. (repeat) Put THAT on the fridge.

- Do I have grace for this person? Grace is giving someone what they do not deserve. When people disappoint us or fall short, we need to be eager to forgive them. If we're a Christ follower, we need to give grace.

I want to give you just a couple ground rules on how to start turning a marriage around, or how to broach difficult conversations with anyone.

I think the best thing you can do is get permission. Ask them if it's OK to talk about it. Real simple, it's "Can I really talk to you about our friendship?" Or, "Can I tell you how I'm feeling lately?" "Can we talk about what happened yesterday after dinner?" It's a simple thing, but you're respectfully putting it in their lap and saying, "Is it OK with you if we go here?" You're asking, " Is it OK if I come in?" So, start by getting permission.

A good way to get started is with the phrase, "I feel" and just say it as best you can. "I feel uneasy lately. I don't know if it's you or me or the kids, all I know is I don't feel very good about myself right now."

A bad way to start is with the phrase, "You make me feel" "You make me feel like I'm not important. The kids make me feel like I'm a maid." The truth is we feel. People don't make us feel. Little difference, but it has much to do with how it's received. So make "I" statements, not "You" statements, to get things started without creating a barrier.

And here's one: "When you_____________, I feel____________." Like my wife would say, "When you don't do the dishes, I don't feel like we're a team." She hasn't accused me of anything other than the fact: not doing the dishes. Then I have the option of how to respond. Her only accusation is of a fact.

This is a great relational tool: "When you____________, I feel________." Just remember the part after "I feel", to make that about you. In other words don't say, "When you don't take out the trash, I feel like you're a jerk!" You've lost a little love there!

Think how the drama could have gotten off on a much more positive track. When Sue started telling the same old stuff again, after a little passive aggressive behavior, Joan started out with "you" statements and Sue immediately became defensive. And Joan didn't exactly start with an attitude that communicated love.

So much about tough conversations has to do with how we get into them. (PP) Is our spirit that of grace and love, or our we just fed up right now? If we're fed up, a little time to check our motive can be the difference between a catastrophe and closeness. Do we put the other person on the defensive by initially pointing a finger? Or do we "get permission", then make some "I feel" statements?

One of the most important thing after a difficult conversation is to make sure later, after the dust has settled, that things are OK. Sometimes, time does funny things. Sometimes after thinking more about it, we get our nose out of adjustment again. So something we do around here---By the way, YES, last 10% discussion are a way of life on a ministry staff! So, what we do is check back the next day and simply say, "Are we OK?" "Are we alright?" It's just a good way to touch base and make sure that things really are OK. So use that as a safety follow-up. "Are we OK?"

I want to talk a little bit about the undisputed King of the whole enchilada truth; Jesus Christ was the master of the last 10%. I don't believe you can find an account of His earthly life where he dodged a difficult conversation just to keep the peace. He never backed down from the truth. He never sought the most diplomatic response, but the most truthful. He was full of love and full of grace.

And he didn't back down from the cross. He physically gave the last 10% of His physical body for us. He gave it all, so we could have it all. And now every day we come to him in prayer and we give the last 10% about ourselves, our sin, our shortcomings, and our needs. Every time I pray I give Him my failure du jour. And in response, He says, "I love anyway. Here's grace. I've paid it all for you. Just keep coming back.

And that Holy model is what we need to live out in the church. We need to develop relationships where give the last 10% to each other. Where we're really real and really honest about how we're doing with life and each other. About how we're doing with our walk and all the ugly details. And we need to respond with, "I love you anyway. And here's grace. Let's work through it."

There's nothing really more important we can give each other than our soul level emotions and thoughts. They're delicate and their valuable; and when we step out in faith trying to help each other by telling the truth in love, God will show up in the midst and help grow us into the people He wants us to be. Will you do it? Will you try it?

If God has touched you this morning about this subject, I would like you join me in a prayer of commitment. Please bow you heads and you can prayer to yourself or in a whisper, whatever is comfortable:

God, I know I need to grow in telling the truth in love.

And I'm asking for your help in this area.

God, I will try to apply these concepts with your help,

To the people you want me to go to the next level with.

I thank you now for the work you will do in me and through me.